My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
