I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize