Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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