Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
