You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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