her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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