worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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