my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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