OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
