I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
