I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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