Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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