Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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