i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
