bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
