Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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