grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We left the knife in your bed.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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