Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We left the knife in your bed.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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