I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
