so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize