She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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