Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
