I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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