her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize