my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Randomize
