Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
