Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
