My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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