Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
