I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
