no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
