No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize