she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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