Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
