1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
