I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
