Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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