Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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