i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
