Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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