Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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