i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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