He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
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