I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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