So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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