I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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