I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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