the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
