Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Randomize
