what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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