My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
