I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
