there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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