Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
