Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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