I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i am craving dick and cupcakes
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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