i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
