my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
