I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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