cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
