I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
