Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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