I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
two words: eviction party
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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