Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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