Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
there's paper in my vomit.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
