how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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