Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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