i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
