Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I need moral support for this bender
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
