How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
