The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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